When did it get to be September?
This is the month, a year ago, of Mom’s long hospital stay
after her big “event” (heart attack, several TIA’s, whatever else they were or
weren’t able to ascertain that she’d suffered). A year since I attempted to
bring her back and care for her at home again, then gave up ... yes, it still
feels like that. A year since the close of that last, precious summer with her,
mid-May to late August, and the memory still haunts me of how the exhaustion
eroded the edges of my gratitude for that time.
We aren’t supposed to waste time angsting over our failures
any more than we should linger over our accomplishments ... “one thing I do,
forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things
which are ahead” ... but sometimes the guilt and questions and insecurities
swamp us.
I am weary with my
groaning;
All night I make my
bed swim;
I drench my couch with
my tears.
My eye wastes away
because of grief;
It grows old because
of all my enemies.
And the grieving is a palpable, physical thing sometimes.
God never leaves us, I know this. I know. And He doesn’t abandon us to our grief and guilt—but the
deliverance isn’t always immediate. In fact, it rarely is. And I find myself
thinking about that lately, what it looks like when “My grace is sufficient for
you” doesn’t mean deliverance at all (Paul’s thorn in the flesh or the heroes
of the faith referred to in Hebrews 11) but instead is the searing core inside
that shoves us from one aching, weary step to another on this journey.
The month hasn’t been completely without consolation,
though. Another budding branch of the family has come to visit, then sent on
their way after a wonderful week. Leaving us with another layer of mourning.
Sometimes I feel like life is nothing but layers of
mourning.
And then, today, I was reminded of this verse:
Therefore you now have
sorrow; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no
one will take from you.
Just as we look forward to the next time we’ll see our older
kids—the occasion of a wedding—there’s another reunion coming, the ultimate in
family reunions with all who believe in Christ. The ultimate wedding, when we
join our Redeemer and Lord, the One who shed His own blood for us. And then, as
I said elsewhere, there will be no more pain, no more misunderstandings, no
more worrying about appearance or performance, no more sorrow or separations.
And I, for one, cannot wait.
Beautiful, Shannon.
ReplyDeleteThank you, dear!!
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