If We Do Not Lose Heart
Long, long journey
through the darkness
Long, long way to go
... (Enya)
It’s hard to keep going with a dream, year after year, when
you see door after door shutting in your face. Hard to keep believing that
dreams even matter, in the face of real life and all its brutality.
I’ve written before on why stories matter. God has a way of
using them to sneak truth past the barriers of the heart—consider Jesus and His
parables, or the way most of Scripture is basically story after story. With all
the things I could be doing with my life—and all I have done, aside from story
spinning—I’m amazed that the call to Story has remained the strongest
constant for me, after the call to be a child of God.
But oh, it’s a hard road at times. Not that God hasn’t graciously given me bits of validation
along the way. It’s part of what’s kept me going.
Everyone has doubts, I know this. There are times mine
amount to merely flopping around in my insecurity, knowing I need to just put
Behind In Chair and Hands On Keyboard and WRITE. There are other times when
discouragement fills the air like a dust storm, in every breath I take whether
I choose it or not, choking me and making me wonder if it really is time to
hang up this silly writing dream and get on with real life. I mean, just how
many writer’s conferences can I ask my hardworking husband to spend money on,
before I can begin paying that back? How many late nights do I stay up,
pounding out words on a page, making me slow and cranky with my family the next
morning? And when, like last summer, every drop of my energy and then some
goes to intensive care of a loved one, and I know that my efforts are just
temporary at best, and then an entire summer’s progress evaporates in a matter
of days and I know it’s completely out of my hands ... I wonder if it’s all
just an exercise in futility anyway and why should I return to being so driven?
Then, in the aftermath of Mom’s passing, knowing I
face the same physical issues she did, I wonder how many more “good” years do I
have before the diabetes overtakes me and I too begin to physically crumble?
What do I want to spend that time on?
I want to live more intentionally, of course. But
what that actually means—? Planning takes time and thought, which looks
dangerously like doing nothing to everyone else. But it’s time I must take,
regardless.
I also know I don’t want to burn the rest of my years
chasing a fickle publishing market. Over and over the past few months I’ve
heard, Write your heart! Write the story God gave YOU. Be the you that He
made you to be, not an imitation of someone else.
So, if God made me to be a writer, and if I believe He gave
me these stories, then ... it only follows that He has a plan. Maybe that plan
doesn’t involve publishing—or at least not traditional publishing—but it could.
And once again I’ve needed direction, confirmation, that I’m still on the right
path.
I mean, there’s waiting on God, and then there’s just waiting. Right?
You see, just after Mom’s passing, I received the news that Sue,
my agent of just over a year, would be moving on to something else. Startling,
disappointing, but I knew God has His reasons, and a plan. In the meantime, Sue
mentioned another agent—twice, even—and though I had my doubts that she’d be a
perfect fit, based on what she says she’s looking for, I have a lot of respect
for this woman after watching her for years in the industry and following their agency blog, so I took the leap. I also had doubts that the project I was
pitching her (something brand new) would really fit with the particular
publisher Sue told me to mention, but I mentioned it anyway.
And then I waited some more. The doubts became more intense.
Years ago, the Lord told me that when He opened doors for me
in this business, it would be in such a way I’d know it was Him doing so and
nothing else. This was no exception. Like most things of this kind, however, it
loses so much in the actual telling.
The upshot of it all is that I’ve just signed with a new
agent. Tamela is incredibly comfortable and enthusiastic and encouraging so
far, and my head is still just spinning with awe when I consider the groundwork
that led to this, all things that God set in place, some more than ten years
ago.
And as a bonus ... I’m being given free rein to go as "big" with the new story as I like. I'm almost dizzy with the possibilities.
And let us not grow
weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose
heart. (Galatians 6:9, NKJV)
The season isn't over, not by a long shot. There are still miles to go on this journey--and make no mistake, I know it's more about the journey than the destination.
But I'd say God has given me a really huge chunk of validation this time, wouldn't you?
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